Outrunning My Anxiety

​​Written By Step Above Stigma's Summit Team Logistics Coordinator, Natalee Schors
One day near the start of first semester I thought it was going to be a regular night. I was on top of what I had needed to get done for school, clubs, and work, along with fitting in time to exercise and socialize. I thought I had it all under control, but little did I know was that all the stress that comes with daily life was about to overwhelm me.
 
This specific night, I had just sat down in bed to watch Netflix. After not even two minutes, I felt the unrelenting need to do something, anything that did not require me to stare mindlessly into my laptop screen. I went to my desk to start doing some work for classes instead. Again, it was around two minutes when I lost all focus. I decided at that point I should organize my closet. For a third time, I was only a couple minutes into folding my clothes when I felt so wired and jittery that I had to stop. I started pacing around my room. My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest and I could not inhale enough oxygen into my lungs. I wanted to cry because it felt like I needed to get something out but I couldn’t. I went out onto the little balcony just off my room feeling that fresh air would fix my problem. It helped only the slightest bit. I still was unable to take deep breaths nor could I get my heart rate to slow. It was at that moment I decided I had to breathe or else I would pass out. I am a runner at heart and have always gone on runs simply because I enjoy them. So, I decided that even though it was the middle of the night, I had to run that instant. I threw on my running shoes and left my house in a rush. I thought that if I could not fully breathe, I needed to force my body to.
 
I left my house in a sprint. Trying to run as hard as I could so that I would take full gulps of fresh air into my lungs. Run. Run. Run. That was all I could think. With each stride, every time my foot hit the hard pavement, I felt a bit better. My breaths were deepening and I could feel my lungs fully expand with air. I kept running for a while. My thoughts slowed down and eventually I slowed too. I looped back around to my house and when I went inside I immediately felt better. Both my heart rate and breathing were returning to normal. I went back upstairs to my room and went to bed - falling asleep almost instantly.
 
The next day I woke up and went about my day, trying to block out my feelings from the night before. Later that afternoon, I called my mom and told her about what had happened. I have had anxiety attacks before, but I had never experienced one that came out of the blue so suddenly. Of course, my mom was worried when I told her; not only was I experiencing such an attack but also I had left my house in the middle of the night in a state of panic. Running has always been an amazing coping mechanism for me. It grounds me in a way that nothing else can and gives me a sense of physical joy. Physical activity has been proven to help alleviate stress and reduce anxiety, and it is something that helps so many people. However, at that moment I realized that even though I was using a great coping strategy for daily stress, that there were better ways of handling my anxiety attack. I realized that I couldn’t out run my anxious thoughts, and instead, I could talk to my amazing supports about them. My mom was able to calm me down and helped me see that I had a great support system that I could speak to at any time, whether it be calling someone or talking to my Kingston friends, and who would be there for me during these episodes as a safer alternative.
 
Today I still am always running because I know it helps me deal with the stressors of being a student during a pandemic. Although, I know that I cannot out run my anxiety now and face it with the support of others. So thank you to all my wonderful friends and family who have helped me through.